A Closet of Fear

I’ve sat in this class for 15 weeks now and have been able to get to know the people in my class. I honestly haven’t put much effort into trying to really get to know everyone individually and personally, though. And I am disappointed in myself for that.

But I’ve still been able to listen to their stories - their points of view. I’ve heard about the things they love deeply and are also deeply passionate about.

And I’ve sat here - listening.

But never really speaking.

Never really sharing my views and opinions. And that is largely due to fear.

Fear of being perceived as something that I’m not.

A bigot. Hateful. Intolerant. Judgemental. Hypocritical.

And to be viewed as such because my beliefs, points of view, opinions, and passions differ from the majority.

I’ve sat by quietly, so as not to force this perception I fear I will be immediately tagged with because my views differ.

And because my views differ - I fear that “bigot”, “hateful”, “intolerant”, would then become my “identity” through everyone’s eyes.

And even though those things are not true of me - and even if I’ve never treated anyone in such a way or behaved in such a way -

It wouldn’t matter.

By saying I don’t agree with legalizing gay marriages, that I am not pro-choice, or saying that I believe females are and should be females and males are and should be males, by saying that I believe males were created to have certain roles (not that that means women are incapable of similar things as men - because I don’t believe that) and that women were to have certain roles - a complimentary view of manhood, womanhood, and marriage -

and that I believe these things because I am a Christian.

I have the fear of being immediately pegged as the bigoted, hateful, intolerant, judgmental, hypocritical Christian girl.

Even if I’m really not.

My disagreeing with certain choices and lifestyles doesn’t mean I’m hateful. I have a lot of friends that live very different lifestyles than me - lifestyles that I don’t agree with - but my love for those friends doesn’t change.

We can all love anyone but not love what they do.

I love my parents. I NEVER loved them disciplining me. I love my siblings. I don’t love all the decisions they have made.

The same is true for my friends.

And I’ve made terrible choices and decisions, too - but I’ve still remained loved by others.

We have spoken much of equality and tolerance in this class. Equality and tolerance for the LBGTQ community, all races - for everyone.

A desire to be treated equally - for being different, choosing to be different, disagreeing with norms.

And I wonder if as a Christian who doesn’t share all the same views on issues regarding LBGTQ things, or abortion, or gender roles, if there is room for me in that equality and tolerance circle?

Or am I just given a negative label to fit what some may have experienced at the hands of Christians or what the societal view of a Christian is?

And let me just say - I’m sorry for any negative experiences anyone reading this has had with Christians. If they have proclaimed themselves as Christians - and then treated you hatefully, judgmentally, or intolerantly. There is no excuse for that. And honestly (and my personal opinion), if someone that claims to be a Christian then goes on to treat another human being so hatefully and negatively, I may then strongly question whether or not they are really Christians. Because when you understand the magnitude of your own sin against God and understand what Jesus did for you by His death and the punishment He took for you, then you should have a really hard time condemning others and being hateful to others. You should recognize the great gift of love, grace, and forgiveness that has been lavished on you - and that your sin is no different from anyone else’s. Truly understanding your own sin and the price Jesus paid for you should radically change how you view and treat other people. You understand that only by God’s grace were you forgiven. That you have no room or right to stand on a pedestal - because nothing you did could ever have earned you or caused you to deserve that forgiveness. You understand that only because of Jesus are you new, different, clean, forgiven, and able to truly live - and live according to what He has deemed to be the absolute best for you. And you desire nothing more than for other’s to know about this Jesus - His love, acceptance, peace, hope, and joy - and for His name to be glorified above any and all.

So then I would just ask you to not base your idea of what a Christian is off of the experience you have had with someone who very well may not be a Christian. A lot of people will say they are Christians, and yes, while we are ALL hypocrites (Christians or not), a real Christian will seek to live and love like Christ did - to the best of their abilities. They will still make mistakes, as we all do, but they will not strive to purposefully hate and hurt. Loving and living like Christ does not mean that they will always agree with everything you do - it does mean that they will still love you though.

I do apologize for those negative experiences, but I cannot apologize for my beliefs. I will love you and accept you, but I won’t agree with everything that you do. Just like you might not agree with everything that I do or believe.

I believe that we were all made in the image of God, and I will do my best to love and respect you as such. I will strive to love you like Jesus -

and that also means hating sin - my own and yours.

But not hating you.

I will probably at some point bring up God and Jesus. What I think about Him. What you believe.

Because the things I am passionate about - that I regrettably have not spoken of in class - are things I’m just naturally going to talk about.

And if you don’t want to talk about it, if you want to yell at me, if you want to walk away, if you want to change the subject - that is okay. And if you want to have a conversation about it, that is okay, too.

We may agree to disagree on a lot of things - but I hope my actions will show that I’m still going to love you - even if we never agree. But I will definitely be praying that one day, we will.